How do you do baby #2

Like many mothers, I had major doubts as to whether I could love a second child as much as I did my first. My son was my life; I was obsessed with him. How could I possibly have any more room in my heart for another baby to love?

Needless to say, I was mistaken. My daughter quickly stole the portion of my heart that was always reserved just for her. My husband and I immediately forgot what our life was like before her (mostly because she/we did not sleep for seven months, but that is a different blog post). The same cannot be said about my son, however.

James was two years + six days old when Emme was born. Naturally, he did not really understand all of the “mommy has your baby sister in her belly” talk, nor did he know what to make of her when she finally arrived. He spent the first six months of her life ignoring her completely – and I mean completely. He did not acknowledge her presence in a room, had no desire to hold her; we have no photographs of them together from our newborn photo session because he would have nothing to do with her. While it was heartbreaking for me as a mother to see him less than thrilled to have her around, I was also grateful that he was not trying to smother her every chance he got.

So, what are the first few months like juggling two children?

Let me begin by saying that just like every baby is different, so is every parent’s experience with growing their family. I will speak here to my own personal experience as well as the experiences of my clients. The majority of those I have worked with have welcomed baby #2 while their firstborn is between the ages of two and four, so many of them find themselves trying to manage a toddler and a newborn at the same time.

The Arrival

If you will be birthing away from your firstborn (e.g. at a hospital or at home while your firstborn is in the care of someone else), make sure to explain what is going to happen and take a final photograph as a family of three (you will be so happy that you did!)

Is it best to introduce your newest family member to his or her oldest sibling at the hospital or at home? That is really up to the parents to decide and depends a lot on your child’s temperament. Knowing how sensitive our son was to unfamiliar places and unfamiliar situations, we knew that introducing him to baby sister at home, versus the hospital, was going to be the best approach. When the meeting does take place, it is best if mom is not holding the newborn; instead make sure the baby is in a bassinet or swing so that the older child does not feel like he or she has been replaced. And, it never hurts to have baby arrive with a gift for his or her older sibling.

The First Few Weeks

Brace yourself, mama. It can be a rough ride.

Surprising to me, the sleep deprivation and physical recovery were not the toughest parts after having Emme. Instead, the most difficult thing was missing James terribly. For two years, it had been the two of us every day. Now, understandably, Emme was taking up all of my time and energy. We were lucky to have friends and family more than willing to help during this time, but naturally most of them wanted to take James on fun adventures. What I desperately needed was some time to reconnect with him, and I soon learned, thanks to the sage advice of a fellow mom-of-two, that even a short segment of uninterrupted time together -- just 20 minutes -- was enough to fill both of our cups. So, ask friends and family if they are comfortable watching the new baby instead of hanging out with your toddler (or better yet, have your postpartum doula care for your newborn). Take a quick walk around the block when you are physically up for it, or just close the door to your child’s room and have some dedicated playtime together. It will make all the difference.

How will your firstborn react to his or her new housemate? It is almost impossible to predict until the baby arrives. Some might be enamored. Some might ignore. Some might be very upset. Be prepared for all scenarios and roll with what you get. While you cannot control your child’s reaction to the newest member of the family (and keep in mind that his or her reaction might change on a daily basis!), you can do some small things to help with the transition. Here are some ideas:

- Put a stool next to the baby’s changing table and invite your firstborn to “help” with diaper changes. This will make your toddler feel included, useful, and valuable.

- You will likely be telling your toddler “wait” or “just a second” quite a bit while you are feeding baby, changing baby, rocking baby, etc. Make sure your toddler also hears you say, “wait” or “just a second” to the new baby, so he/she does not feel like you only have time for the newborn.

- Have a special bowl of snacks or toys that your older child can access when you are nursing or bottle-feeding your baby.

- When you get overwhelmed, try not to lose it in front of your children. Instead, pause, put down the new baby, and give your firstborn a hug. You both need it.

You can do this, and the good news is…it gets a little bit easier each week!

Me with my firstborn, James.